How The Search For Love Breeds Desperation in Women.
To be loved and desired, that is thy mission.
It is every girl’s dream to be adored and loved by that special someone. Our never-ending search for prince charming in shiny golden armor.
Most humans are driven by an innate desire to mate and procreate. From the moment we are little girls, the importance of securing a mate is drummed into our subconscious and conscious minds. Women especially are gauged by our ability to win a mate and get the commitment of marriage. Marriage is the goal of most women because of all the perks that come with it; companionship, the opportunity to build a family and be financially catered to by husbands. Given the marriage market and the several other eligible damsels all vying for the same things, this leads to the desperation and competition in women to find a mate. Desperation we all too often ignore is a real and ever-present issue in the arena of love, sex, and relationships.
We seldom speak about how painful the scorn from society is for a woman who has reached a certain age and remains unmarried. It does not matter what your accomplishments are if you are without a committed partner in society’s eyes. Society reminds such women always of their failure or how very undesirable they must be. In our desire not to fail at love, many of us settle with unfit mates to say we have a relationship. Hanging on tightly to toxic relationships to say we have someone and prove to society that we are not unwanted old maids. Desperation is the by-product that comes from our constant search for love and fear of being judged by society. The media being one of the primary fuels for the desperation women feel about finding love and marriage. Every woman wants to feel desired and loved, and nothing screams undesirable than turning thirty-five and being without a husband and children.
Coming from Nigerian society, when I turned twenty-one, I was already getting asked by my aunties and mother about when I would be getting married. This conversation triggered a much-needed self-reflection about my dance with love and relationships in life. All the things I had done and had to endure just to have love and a relationship. Let us not forget the all too real competition amongst women for love and relationships fueled by desperation. When it comes to men’s attention and being picked, sisterhood flies out the window, and our cat claws are summoned for very bloody and downright dirty battles to be chosen by men.
Our value as women is tied to our desirability and ability to gain attention from men. There is a tricky line women walk, especially black women in the marriage and desirability market. Given that race and colorism are aspects of society and are an ever-so-present predicament for love and relationships for black women — a very inescapable harsh reality for many black women in today’s world. Nevertheless, the desperation that comes with the desire for love and relationships is real for all women, irrespective of their race, class, or creed.
I remember when my mother told me that I would not be “beautiful forever,” so I needed to make a choice and pick a man as soon as possible. She frequently asked about my ex-boyfriend, who I had broken up with because the relationship was unfulfilling and downright toxic. I had told her that he was not the man for me and that I needed to heal and move on. She advised that; “there are no perfect men in the world, so just pick one and manage him.” Her words triggered anxiety with love and relationships for me. She cautioned that I should go back to him before I wake up one day thirty years old without a husband and alone, as though that was a death sentence. It did not matter that I was accomplished, an economics graduate, or still incredibly young. I would never fully be respected as a Nigerian woman if I could not secure a match before thirty. In other words, it was better to settle for my ex even though my ex did not make me happy than to be thirty and unmarried, which created a trepidation in me with every year that came. I was constantly reminded that the dreaded age of thirty was drawing nearer.
The advice I got from the older women around me was to use my youth and secure a good match and settle down fast before my beauty “expires.” There was angst that came over me; I began to question if I had made the right decision in letting go of my ex-lover. Out of fear and the desperation my mother’s advice instilled in me, I reached out to him again. I was too soon reminded that he was not for me and that I did not want to be with him. I felt pressured; the advice I got from the women around me made me feel I had to hold on to anyone out of my subconscious desperation for love and fear of ending up alone.
This situation forced me to self-reflect on how I viewed love and marriage and how my culture had instilled in me this anxiety and desperation for love and relationships. Most of us are too fixed on finding a man and proving ourselves worthy of commitment from men. This desperation blinds us from genuinely realizing what we need. In our efforts to please society, we end up wasting precious time making terrible decisions and choices. Many of us are too focused on getting a man to like us and pick us out of the many other women instead of channeling that energy towards self-growth and personal fulfillment. We are constantly obsessing over love and relationships that we forget to ask ourselves; do we even genuinely like or love the men in our lives? Are these men we choose worthy of our love, bodies, and time? Or are we driven by our subconscious desperation for a mate that we overlook or put-on rose-colored glasses to the realities of our situations? With Valentine’s Day being thirteen days away; I urge you to take the time and reflect on what drives you when you engage in the arena of love and relationships. Are you being driven by anxiety, fear, loneliness or desperation?